This post is so ADHD, I’m pretty sure it should come with complimentary adderall.

by Guilty Squid on December 9, 2012

Last week my friend @WikiSteff ended another ridicu­lous turn in a con­ver­sa­tion with, “some­times, Sci­ence helps.” Which struck me as hilar­i­ous, pos­si­bly because I’m suf­fer­ing from hav­ing my sleep sched­ule all messed up but also because Stef is just so adorably num­bers and sci­ence dri­ven. He loves him some math and sci­ence. Which I fully sup­port because some­day, I might decide I want my bank account bal­anced, and at least I know some­one who can prob­a­bly do it.

Then later, I made some poster graph­ics for him, which prob­a­bly aren’t funny at all unless you are a math or sci­ence geek, or if you don’t know how much I am not a math and sci­ence geek, so feel free to ignore this if either of those applies to you.

I don’t actu­ally know what the for­mula on this one means, I totally just stole a math prob­lem off of the inter­net. I’m sorry, math people.

This is the one that I find fun­ni­est because no prac­ti­cally every­one who knows me will be sur­prised I even knew enough to make this joke.

Don’t worry, y’all. This isn’t actu­ally the only gift you’ll get from me this hol­i­day season.

You’ll have to come back next week for a very spe­cial gift that I (and my friend Rod­ney, who is also known as @moooooog35 on Twit­ter) have cre­ated to cel­e­brate the release of his first book, “Things Go Wrong For Me” which comes out on Decem­ber 14th, which means I should be get­ting my signed copy any day now. Note to Rod­ney: Seri­ously, man, just one. You don’t have to send more.  Y’all, I have read the ARC, and let me just tell you, there’s no way you can read it with­out laugh­ing out loud. So if you’re still need­ing a gift for Grandma, you should prob­a­bly get her but­ter­scotch, but for most every­one else? This is a winner.

To cel­e­brate this, Rod­ney and I have cre­ated a spe­cial some­thing for all of you that you will only be able to find here, next week, so be sure to get back here and get your own copy of the awesome.

P.S. I haven’t asked yet, but if you haven’t done so, do me a solid and drop a toy or book into  a Toys for Tots collection.

P.P.S. Unre­lated to the entire post, I dis­cov­ered that the best way to get your­self into the hol­i­day spirit is by doing a ran­dom act of kind­ness for some­one you don’t even like — which is some­thing I totally did today, and it made me feel even bet­ter about myself than I did before, and let me be hon­est — I already thought I was awe­some. Plus also now, any­one who is some­one who knows I don’t like them is won­der­ing if it was them. So let me put your mind at ease: Yes, it was you. It totally was you. 

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Don’t all holidays include tears, fights, murder plots and therapy? I might be doing holidays wrong.

by Guilty Squid on November 23, 2012

(Most peo­ple would prob­a­bly write some sort of expla­na­tion for why they haven’t posted in two months, but I think we both know it wouldn’t make a dif­fer­ence. Let’s say I’m lazy and move on.)

So I went to see my ther­a­pist today because I’ve been fight­ing off a ter­ri­ble wave of depres­sion that’s pretty much kept me lay­ing in bed, and cry­ing, and not eat­ing, because — well — sad. Between my best friends, and my online com­padres, I had quite a sup­port sys­tem, or oth­er­wise, I’d prob­a­bly have been a com­plete mass of barely human by Mon­day. (I just have to say I have no idea how peo­ple do this with­out a sup­port sys­tem. They make all the dif­fer­ence in the world.) Unless they say things like, “Did you eat today?” Like I’m depressed because I for­got to eat? Let me just grab some more tis­sues and a cup of yogurt then. But, mostly no one made ridicu­lous suggestions.

Then, yes­ter­day, I reached a mild turn­ing point when I got incred­i­bly pissed off at some­one and the com­bi­na­tion of anger and adren­a­line actu­ally got me up and mov­ing around. It didn’t last long, and I was com­pletely spent after I stopped being mad, but I won’t lie to y’all, it totally brought my awe­some back.

Which is really how you know your friends are real friends. They just jump right in to help you cover up a mur­der. For fun. With­out even ask­ing who or why. And I couldn’t be more grate­ful for them if I tried.

(Side note: Try­ing twitter’s “embed” fea­ture. Not sure I’m a fan. But, I already closed those win­dows, so let’s just all be flex­i­ble about it this time, okay?)

Any­way, I guess get­ting mad was enough of a jolt to my sys­tem that I finally was able to enjoy myself last night with a friend, to sleep soundly, and to get up this morn­ing, shower and get dressed and go to see my ther­a­pist. Because, I’m not at all fooled into think­ing a good dose of anger cured my depression.

And while I won’t bore you with all the details from my ses­sion, I do have to share this, because my ther­a­pist is awe­some, hilar­i­ous, and I am always a lit­tle para­noid that she’s going to write a book and include my stuff and then make money off of it and while I have no idea how it actu­ally works, I don’t think I’d get any money from books she sells. I have talked to her about this par­tic­u­lar bit of para­noia, but she told me she has no plans to write a book, but I think that if she was actu­ally writ­ing a book she would say that because she wouldn’t want me to get the jump on her. So, impasse.

Any­how, I’m in ther­apy telling my ther­a­pist all of the things from my week and then I get to the part about where I got pissed off last night and I was all, “Which makes NO SENSE. Because I totally told you all about the stuff with him, and you know as well as I do, that there isn’t enough there for me to GET pissed off about any­way. But then I went from “meh, jerk” to “FUCKING JERK!!” in like, three sec­onds. So, EXPLAIN THAT.”

So she tells me a whole lot of stuff that made a lot of sense. That I wasn’t really pissed off at the guy, that I was redi­rect­ing anger that I’ve had from my Dad, and that I don’t like things unre­solved, and that while I wasn’t wrong about any of the stuff I said to that guy or about him, the actual mad wasn’t about him at all, and some other stuff I can’t remem­ber because after a bit it all starts to meld together and my brain starts to hurt and I’m tired, but then she says, “And — he’s kind of a jerk.”

And that is why I con­tinue to go see her, whether I feel like I need it or not, because that made me laugh, really laugh, for the first time in days. It was awe­some enough that I almost feel bad for all of the mag­a­zines I stole from the wait­ing area after find­ing out that my ther­a­pist doesn’t have Black Fri­day spe­cials. Because, I’m get­ting com­pen­sated one way or another.

I’m not back to what passes for my nor­mal, but I’m bet­ter, and I finally feel like the heavy that’s been weigh­ing me down is start­ing to lift.

Moral: I learned to be thank­ful for get­ting pissed off. And for friends that help me plan a crime. Let’s be hon­est, you should have known the moral was going to be messed up by the time you first read the word ther­apy. I don’t go because I’m healthy, y’all.

 

 

P.S. I want to thank @jillsmo, who totally under­stood my depres­sion, and who I think would have left her fam­ily and flown to Texas to stay with me if she thought I’d be alone yes­ter­day. Which would have been awful for her, because I have no wine in my house. And I also want to say that @ksluiter and @csluiter were amaz­ing to me. They actu­ally helped me feel more nor­mal while I couldn’t get out of bed and stop cry­ing. These guys made a huge dif­fer­ence, and I really am grate­ful for them. 

P.P.S. Oh, and Shan­non and Mireya too. Obviously. 

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I made a flow chart.

by Guilty Squid on August 9, 2012

Yes­ter­day was Chester’s birth­day. It’s been kind of a crazy sum­mer, so I texted him and told him that a few us were buy­ing him lunch for his birth­day. Down­side? We were going too. But, I also made him a Flow Chart for his birth­day, because noth­ing says I care like a flow chart.

Click on the image to see full size. Happy Birth­day to our favorite megalomanic!

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