Note: This entire post was written in my doctors office while waiting for my prescriptions. This explains why there are no graphics.
Ways to amuse yourself with various door to door Buy My Dubious Product/Cause/Religion salespeople.
*Knock-Knock*
Door opens, young guy with a clipboard is standing there and starts to speak…
“Hi! Do you have 60 seconds to help me eliminate styrofoam?”
Wrong Answer:
Now is really not a good time, and we don’t accept solicitations.
Right Answers:
Styrofoam saved my Grandad’s life after his boat sunk off of the coast of Kinkajou. He was a hero. We still have that styrofoam cooler today. You sir, have no respect for the great Americans like my Grandad. HOW DARE YOU! *Slam Door*
Or:
My Aunt Mabel would be dead today if it weren’t for the kidney transplant. And that kidney was delivered in a styrofoam cooler. Styrofoam keeps organs fresh and beer cold. Although, not at the same time. That’s just unhygienic. My point is, you clearly hate people who need organ transplants and cold beer. I am a humanitarian and you sir, are the enemy. BE GONE WITH YOU.
Or:
I don’t know what sort of spell you’ve got that would take 60 seconds and rid the world of styrofoam, but if we’re going to practice the dark arts, we have to do my spell first. I’ll need you to go get me some blood drawn humanely from a live chicken, three hairs from a 50 year old virgin and a slushy. The slushy isn’t for the spell, it’s for me. Hey wait! Where are you going? You forgot to ask what flavor!!
*Knock-Knock*
Door opens, young guy with a box is standing there and starts to speak…
“Hi! I’m here to give you a chance at this amazing opportunity to buy some quality steaks without having to leave your home.”
Wrong answer:
I live in the country. Look around you. Those beasts all around us? Cows. I am *not* your target market.
Right Answer:
Ohmuhgawd, I can’t believe you’re finally here! Do you have that *special* meat I ordered? Don’t think I’m paying for filets that still have cat hair on them! Fool me once, fine. Fool me twice and there’s no way you’ll sell inappropriate meat in this town again!
Or:
I can’t participate in the consumption of meat products as per the terms of my release, but there’s a hippie vegan compound off of Hwy 90 you might try. I don’t think those people have had steaks in years!
Or:
(Look at the truck, with tears welling up in your eyes and cry) DAISY! DAISY! OHMUHGAWD IS THAT MY DAISY COW IN THERE?
(Look at salesman in horror and cry) WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY DAISY?
*Knock-Knock*
Door opens, a young couple with pamphlets is standing there and they woman starts to speak…
“Good day, we’d like to share the good news with you.”
Wrong Answer:
I appreciate the gesture, but I’m a devout *insert random religion or even a real religion here*
Right Answer:
Excellent! Did you have any trouble disposing of the body?
Or:
(Look at the man and narrow your eyes and say)
My brother was wearing that exact same outfit the last time he was seen alive. WHERE DID YOU GET THAT TIE??
Or:
You know what? I’ve had a rough week. I’ll listen to your entire pitch, but first, I’m gonna need you to watch the kids for me for a bit. The baby is due to start screaming in about 15 minutes. Watch out for Joe– don’t let him near electricity, of sharp objects, or teddy bears. That boy is mostly not dangerous, but he’s just not right in the head. Give me a second. I’m gonna grab my keys and I’ll be back by oh– Saturday afternoon at the latest.
Some of these have been tested in a random sampling of people who were brave and/or foolish enough to knock on my door.
I don’t get many of them anymore. I suspect word has spread about me among the door-to-door-ers.
jillsmo May 4, 2012 at 8:21 pm
OH MY GOD HOW ARE YOU SUCH A GENIUS?????
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The Domestic Goddess May 4, 2012 at 8:28 pm
BRILLIANT!
Now, how to deal with door-to-door windows, roof and siding guys. When I have brand new windows, doors and siding.
The Domestic Goddess´s last [type] ..Follow the RULES
Danielle Smith May 4, 2012 at 8:48 pm
Ahhhh – I do so adore you. Now this cheered me right up. I’m going to start giving your answers. Or calling you before I answer the door.
Danielle Smith´s last [type] ..I Believe Hugs Are The Answer. (What’s the Question?)
Eryn May 4, 2012 at 8:49 pm
These are great!
And less potential to get the cops at my door than the device I want to invent…
It’s a box that sticks to the back of your door & only has 1 button. When you push that button, the box plays the most terrifying sound in the world, the sound of a shotgun being racked.
I shall call it “Solicitor-B-Gone.”
Jaime May 5, 2012 at 2:58 pm
those are awesome… thankfully we live in a basement suite and don’t see many door to door people.
Jaime´s last [type] ..Conversations with my Vagina ..Part Two!
WilyGuy May 5, 2012 at 7:16 pm
Haha, I love these, I’m going to start using them.
I’m one of those weird people that is religious, but don’t like it when religious people knock on my door. I don’t want to settle years long questions about the differences in doctrine, I just want to finish watching the Simpsons.
I’m usually pretty honest with people. “you want to give me an estimate on a new roof, sweet! Just leave it in the mailbox with your number. Umm the roof is on the outside, why do you need to come in??? If the quote is super fantastic and unbeatable and lasts for a whole year I will obviously call you within said year. I don’t think you need to explain the quote, it’s a roof and you want to take mine off and put a new one on, am I over complicating this? Did I mention you’re never coming in my house?”
WG
WilyGuy´s last [type] ..Didn’t You Wear That Yesterday?
Melinda May 13, 2012 at 7:23 pm
Those are great. I have trained all my kids to pretend we aren’t home if someone knocks, but if I ever have to confront someone…my favorite is the disposing of the body. Ha ha!!
Melinda´s last [type] ..Imaginary Smiles
Mel May 13, 2012 at 10:55 pm
LOL.. Can’t wait to try these out.
Brandee May 14, 2012 at 12:34 am
Ahahaha! Those are pure genius. I will have to show those to my husband, and you better believe that the next time someone comes a’knockin, something like that will be tested. I want to get your kind of results.
Brandee´s last [type] ..Things motherhood has taught me
Lisa May 19, 2012 at 12:58 am
Love these! I also like to say that my husband isn’t home and I’m not allowed to make any decisions since I’m only a woman…then I tear up and close the door.
Diane Donovan May 19, 2012 at 12:04 pm
Gotta love it! Years ago I lived in a San Francisco neighborhood where Jehovah’s Witnesses came every Sunday at 9AM. Crack ‘o dawn for us musicians. So we put a cartoon up on the door depicting a doorbell-ringing religious person where the doorbell was connected to a lion’s pit under the doormat. Most of ‘em got the message and left laughing. Always leave ‘em laughing…
Diane Donovan´s last [type] ..Food As Missiles: A Military Analysis of Effective Deployment
lydia May 30, 2012 at 2:55 pm
Someone who’s first name rhymes with his last name steered me over here from twitter and I’m glad he did as these will be very helpful to me. Thank you for some how knowing I needed this post and I’m not even going to get mad about your living in my head or whatever. That is just how helpful this information is to me! Thank you. Also the last one! That’s going to get used the most,obviously.
lydia´s last [type] ..The Kid graduates…
SarahT July 9, 2012 at 6:23 pm
I find it very effective to answer the door wearing only a (small) bath towel when I don’t recognize the person outside. Especially if they’re little old ladies peddling religion. “Oh, excuse me, I was just getting in/out of the shower…”
SM Johnson July 24, 2012 at 2:51 pm
A college kid came to our door selling an educational computer program (because the kid doesn’t get enough screen time already). I invited him to sit at the kitchen table, wedged into the corner, where no one “in the know” ever sits – because our boxer traps you there and licks you until you almost drown in slobber. She licks jeans and shirts and necks and faces and foreheads… then I offered him a beer, to help with his next “mark” – nothing like booze breath trying to sell children’s programming…
The poor guy was trying to fend off the dog, and I made sympathetic noises and said things like, “man, our dog just loves to lick people,” and “Aww, our dog is having the best day ever…” and “OMG, she really likes you…”
Then I didn’t buy anything. LOL.
I might have to try the body line next time, though. It would be much less time-consuming, I think.
SM Johnson´s last [type] ..SM Johnson ~ Bloody Monday ~ Dark Fiction