Note: This entire post was written in my doctors office while waiting for my prescriptions. This explains why there are no graphics.
Ways to amuse yourself with various door to door Buy My Dubious Product/Cause/Religion salespeople.
Door opens, young guy with a clipboard is standing there and starts to speak…
“Hi! Do you have 60 seconds to help me eliminate styrofoam?”
Now is really not a good time, and we don’t accept solicitations.
Styrofoam saved my Grandad’s life after his boat sunk off of the coast of Kinkajou. He was a hero. We still have that styrofoam cooler today. You sir, have no respect for the great Americans like my Grandad. HOW DARE YOU! *Slam Door*
My Aunt Mabel would be dead today if it weren’t for the kidney transplant. And that kidney was delivered in a styrofoam cooler. Styrofoam keeps organs fresh and beer cold. Although, not at the same time. That’s just unhygienic. My point is, you clearly hate people who need organ transplants and cold beer. I am a humanitarian and you sir, are the enemy. BE GONE WITH YOU.
I don’t know what sort of spell you’ve got that would take 60 seconds and rid the world of styrofoam, but if we’re going to practice the dark arts, we have to do my spell first. I’ll need you to go get me some blood drawn humanely from a live chicken, three hairs from a 50 year old virgin and a slushy. The slushy isn’t for the spell, it’s for me. Hey wait! Where are you going? You forgot to ask what flavor!!
Door opens, young guy with a box is standing there and starts to speak…
“Hi! I’m here to give you a chance at this amazing opportunity to buy some quality steaks without having to leave your home.”
I live in the country. Look around you. Those beasts all around us? Cows. I am *not* your target market.
Ohmuhgawd, I can’t believe you’re finally here! Do you have that *special* meat I ordered? Don’t think I’m paying for filets that still have cat hair on them! Fool me once, fine. Fool me twice and there’s no way you’ll sell inappropriate meat in this town again!
I can’t participate in the consumption of meat products as per the terms of my release, but there’s a hippie vegan compound off of Hwy 90 you might try. I don’t think those people have had steaks in years!
(Look at the truck, with tears welling up in your eyes and cry) DAISY! DAISY! OHMUHGAWD IS THAT MY DAISY COW IN THERE?
(Look at salesman in horror and cry) WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY DAISY?
Door opens, a young couple with pamphlets is standing there and they woman starts to speak…
“Good day, we’d like to share the good news with you.”
I appreciate the gesture, but I’m a devout *insert random religion or even a real religion here*
Excellent! Did you have any trouble disposing of the body?
(Look at the man and narrow your eyes and say)
My brother was wearing that exact same outfit the last time he was seen alive. WHERE DID YOU GET THAT TIE??
You know what? I’ve had a rough week. I’ll listen to your entire pitch, but first, I’m gonna need you to watch the kids for me for a bit. The baby is due to start screaming in about 15 minutes. Watch out for Joe– don’t let him near electricity, of sharp objects, or teddy bears. That boy is mostly not dangerous, but he’s just not right in the head. Give me a second. I’m gonna grab my keys and I’ll be back by oh– Saturday afternoon at the latest.
Some of these have been tested in a random sampling of people who were brave and/or foolish enough to knock on my door.
I don’t get many of them anymore. I suspect word has spread about me among the door-to-door-ers.