Now I’m humming the song “Puppy Love” but in my head it’s “Monkey Love”. My head is very twisty. I blame science.

Last night, my friend Mireya calls and is telling me about this talk she’s got to give and how she was ner­vous about it and how some­one told her she should just talk about mas­tur­bat­ing mon­keys in the jun­gle. So she’s telling me this and I’m all, “Well, that’s one way to make sure your audi­ence is lis­ten­ing.” and we’re all laugh­ing and then she’s like, “Did you know goril­las have really small penises?” Then I said, “No, but now both my daugh­ter and I do. You’re on speaker.” Which was so ridicu­lously funny I couldn’t STOP laugh­ing. I’m mostly cer­tain that my kid wasn’t listening.

But then I was curi­ous so I asked her small in rela­tion to what? So she tells me that it’s like match­stick sized (fig­u­ra­tively speak­ing) and the gorilla lasts all of ten sec­onds before he’s fin­ished. Then I was like, “DUDE. I totally dated that guy!” Clearly, man DOES share many genetic traits with goril­las. That’s based on science.

Then tonight I was telling H about this and I said, “If that’s what she’s doing in the jun­gle I am NOT going. There are lines that are lim­its or bound­aries or some­thing. This is on a NO WAY list of some kind.”

Then he sighed and said, “I’m pretty sure she meant she was OBSERVING mon­keys that were masturbating.”

Me: OH. You know what? That actu­ally makes a lot more sense.

Him: You real­ize this makes you a way big­ger per­vert than you thought she was, don’t you?

Me: Dammit. I some­how man­aged to make myself the big­ger ass­hole here.

Him: You have talent.

This makes way more sense than what I orig­i­nally thought.

A few min­utes go by and he says to me, “Did you REALLY think your friend was doing THAT in the jungle?”

Me: I think we’ve estab­lished I don’t really under­stand the sci­ence of anything.

Him: This is exactly why peo­ple want to film you in the jungle.

Me: Because I’m an idiot?

Him: Because it’s funny when you’re an idiot. And kind of charming.

Obvi­ously, not every­one agrees.

{ 3 comments… add one }

  • Denise February 8, 2012, 6:21 AM

    Now THAT is hilarious. You have to go because this is comedy GOLD!
    Denise´s last blog post ..When You Don’t Want To See Yourself

    Reply
  • Brett Minor February 8, 2012, 12:05 PM

    It is said you learn something new every day. Today, it came early.

    Reply
  • WilyGuy February 8, 2012, 8:04 PM

    Funny. And all I got in my head now is Morris Day and the Time “Jungle Love”

    Oh-ee-oh-ee-ooh!

    If that gets stuck, my apologies, but you started it.
    WG
    WilyGuy´s last blog post ..What If Bob Ross Tattooed?!

    Reply

Leave a Comment