Last night, my friend Mireya calls and is telling me about this talk she’s got to give and how she was nervous about it and how someone told her she should just talk about masturbating monkeys in the jungle. So she’s telling me this and I’m all, “Well, that’s one way to make sure your audience is listening.” and we’re all laughing and then she’s like, “Did you know gorillas have really small penises?” Then I said, “No, but now both my daughter and I do. You’re on speaker.” Which was so ridiculously funny I couldn’t STOP laughing. I’m mostly certain that my kid wasn’t listening.
But then I was curious so I asked her small in relation to what? So she tells me that it’s like matchstick sized (figuratively speaking) and the gorilla lasts all of ten seconds before he’s finished. Then I was like, “DUDE. I totally dated that guy!” Clearly, man DOES share many genetic traits with gorillas. That’s based on science.
Then tonight I was telling H about this and I said, “If that’s what she’s doing in the jungle I am NOT going. There are lines that are limits or boundaries or something. This is on a NO WAY list of some kind.”
Then he sighed and said, “I’m pretty sure she meant she was OBSERVING monkeys that were masturbating.”
Me: OH. You know what? That actually makes a lot more sense.
Him: You realize this makes you a way bigger pervert than you thought she was, don’t you?
Me: Dammit. I somehow managed to make myself the bigger asshole here.
Him: You have talent.
A few minutes go by and he says to me, “Did you REALLY think your friend was doing THAT in the jungle?”
Me: I think we’ve established I don’t really understand the science of anything.
Him: This is exactly why people want to film you in the jungle.
Me: Because I’m an idiot?
Him: Because it’s funny when you’re an idiot. And kind of charming.
Obviously, not everyone agrees.