Steve Jobs killed my joke by being funny. True Freaking Story, People.

I just wanted to tell you guys that this post is up today, one that is cer­tain to get me mocked by my boss (who claims he never reads this site, but y’all be sure to say hello to him, okay?) because of a super cool lady that started fol­low­ing me a while back. She’s been through a life­time of med­ical chal­lenges and is now in the hos­pi­tal again under­go­ing dial­y­sis because her trans­planted kid­ney is act­ing very diva-ish lately. She’s… damn, she just amazes me. She’s been through a life­time of this and yet for the longest time, I had no idea. She’s so happy, so pos­i­tive, so upbeat. When she could be whin­ing and com­plain­ing, hell deserves to be whin­ing and com­plain­ing, she’s chatty and happy and pos­i­tive. So, basi­cally, I’m putting myself up for def­i­nite mock­ing by my boss (and yes, boss, I know you want a cool acronym too, I’ll come up with some­thing, Chester) because I wanted to get more peo­ple fol­low­ing her today to keep her com­pany while she’s stuck in the hos­pi­tal. Here you are Katie, and feel bet­ter soon!

P.S. This story totally hap­pened, and I even dug out the old iPhone I was using to copy them from. I even left the mis­takes as they were. Mostly because I’m lazy, or maybe it was for authen­tic­ity. You know what? Let’s go with the sec­ond one. That one sounds better.

P.P.S. I did add some for­mat­ting for empha­sis, but then I got in a hurry because I was bored and stopped doing even that.

A Series Of Emails I Sent To Steve Jobs When I Was Bored At The Gro­cery Store:

A while back I was doing some gro­cery shop­ping with some­one else. It had been a long day, I was bored and I likely hadn’t taken my med­ica­tion. The store we were in had one of those lit­tle deli seat­ing areas and so I was parked at a table star­ing at an end­less expanse of peo­ple and pro­duce when I hit upon an idea. Like I said, I don’t think I’d taken my med­ica­tion. Impul­siv­ity hap­pens, man.

Hello there Mr. Jobs!

Can I call you Steve?

Every­one on the Inter­net keeps call­ing you the “Father of Apple” and “The Face of Apple” and the man who knows every­thing about Apples.

So, it seems like you’d be the per­fect per­son to answer any ques­tions I might have about Apples.  Nice job on hav­ing “apple” as your email address too. That makes it awfully easy to reach you.

My prob­lem is like this. I should bake some­thing to take to a friend this week­end and I was think­ing about what I could make. I thought of Apple Brown Betty at first, but then I remem­bered I don’t even really know what that is, so it prob­a­bly wouldn’t be a good idea to try and make that. Then I thought I could make an apple pie, but I don’t really even think I want to attempt the del­i­cate dance that I’ve heard is involved in mak­ing a pie crust. But then I decided I’d make an apple crum­ble because that’s just deli­cious and also? It can bear imper­fec­tions that a pie crust can­not. And hello? Add in some vanilla ice cream and it’s heaven on a plate, I’d guess. I don’t really know how to make apple crum­ble either, but I fig­ure that there’s prob­a­bly a recipe for it on the inter­net somewhere.

Any­way, I’m stand­ing in the pro­duce sec­tion of the store right now and did you even know there are like 50 dif­fer­ent kinds of Apples? I mean, duh, you are the apple guy. Of course you did. But I did not. I mean, if I had to guess I would have fig­ured an apple is an apple is an apple. Of course I knew they came in red or green, but I didn’t really think much about it past that. Now, I don’t know what to do. If I was a bet­ting per­son, and I totally am, I’d bet that there is a “right” apple and a “wrong” apple for my apple crumble.

What I need to know from you is: Which apple to I buy for my Apple Crumble?

Please Advise.

Thanks!

Guilty Squid

**********************

Dear Steve,

So, I’m still stand­ing here. I mean, I’m pretty sure that the life of the Apple guy is super busy and all, but I have other things to do today too, you know. It’s not like stand­ing around star­ing at Apples is the most excit­ing thing in the world to do.

Crap. I’m sorry. That prob­a­bly is the most excit­ing thing in the world to you.

I’d just like to know for cer­tain which apples to pur­chase. I think that stand­ing around fondling apples all day in the pro­duce sec­tion is going to start get­ting me some odd glances.

Please hurry with that response!

Guilty Squid

P.S. I talked to some­one who looked up an apple crum­ble recipe for me and THEY don’t even say which apple to pick.

**********************

Hi Steve,

It’s me. Again.

Am I sup­posed to maybe offer you some money or some­thing in exchange for that answer? I mean, I’ve never really attempted to email a pro­duce guy before, so if I’m fail­ing at the social niceties of the sit­u­a­tion, you let me know.

Maybe you’re try­ing to look up Apple Crum­ble in a recipe book before you respond. I don’t want to insult you but maybe you don’t know what Apple Crum­ble is either.

Do you think you could hurry though? There’s a lady with a walker to the right of me spy­ing the Galas, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to wres­tle the good ones away from her.

Hugs,

Guilty Squid

**********************

Okay Steve,

If Galas were what we needed, we’re totally screwed now. I didn’t know that a woman with a walker had enough dex­ter­ity to walk with the walker and sev­en­teen pounds of galas. I’m pretty sure she spit on the ones she left though and I’m not buy­ing those now.

You bet­ter not be telling me next that I needed Galas.

Never fear though. I’m not aban­don­ing you as the guy who knows every­thing Apple. But, I’m not going to lie to you. The longer you take, the bet­ter those bananas are look­ing man.

Impa­tiently,

Guilty Squid

**********************

Steve,

While I can’t imag­ine what Apple emer­gency has kept you from respond­ing, I just thought I should tell you that the pro­duce man­ager keeps eye­ing me funny and has asked me FOUR times if I need psy­chi­atric help. Well, he actu­ally said “assis­tance” but you could tell he meant psy­chi­atric help by the tone.

What I’m say­ing is, if I get arrested for hold­ing on to the apples too long, I’m drag­ging you down with me. That’s right, Apple guy, I’m totally telling them that I would have been out of here FOURTY-FIVE min­utes ago if you’d only told me the cor­rect apples to pur­chase. What’s the HOLD UP?

The peaches don’t look so bad either man,

Guilty Squid

**********************

Dear Steve,

I’m sorry. I’m a lit­tle on edge by the peer pres­sure of the peev­ish pro­duce peo­ple to pick my apples. I don’t want to mess this up. I’m not sure, but I think there’s prob­a­bly some com­pli­cated return pol­icy with Apples. So if I buy the wrong ones, I’m totally going to be stuck with a bunch of apples I don’t want. You can see why I’d be stressed, but really? Is that any excuse to take it out on you?

I think not.

Sorry,

Guilty Squid

**********************

Then, I get that tell­tale tone and slight vibra­tion that every iPhone user knows is the sig­nal for new mail. I click the home but­ton and onto my email app to see one new message.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT Y’ALL. He TOTALLY ANSWERED ME.

And I’m not even lying to you, I looked around the deli sec­tion of the store like a kid who had been busted prank call­ing by their par­ents. It was like THAT. So I opened it and it said:

Mac­in­tosh

Steve

Sent from my iPhone

Are you KIDDING ME? How did I not even see that com­ing? Well played, Steve Jobs. Well played.

I had com­posed another whole email to send him, but after his response there was nowhere else for this joke to go. I’m includ­ing the draft of that mes­sage any­way, just to com­plete the story.

Hello Again, Steve!

So, I was just talk­ing to some­one who said there’s a whole com­pany called Apple who don’t even have any­thing to do with FRUIT! That seems pretty shifty to me.

You should prob­a­bly con­tact your lawyer about some sort of copy­right infringe­ment or some­thing. Unless they are a place that does com­edy or par­ody or satire. Because those peo­ple are awe­some and should never be sued. I’m sure you agree completely.

Any­way, I thought that was a really odd coin­ci­dence that I was telling them about email­ing the apple guy and then they are all, “Um, the Apple com­pany is not about fruit.” So I had to stop them RIGHT THERE so I could tell you all about it. You should totally look into this.

Help­fully yours,

Guilty Squid