Steve Jobs killed my joke by being funny. True Freaking Story, People.

I just wanted to tell you guys that this post is up today, one that is certain to get me mocked by my boss (who claims he never reads this site, but y’all be sure to say hello to him, okay?) because of a super cool lady that started following me a while back. She’s been through a lifetime of medical challenges and is now in the hospital again undergoing dialysis because her transplanted kidney is acting very diva-ish lately. She’s… damn, she just amazes me. She’s been through a lifetime of this and yet for the longest time, I had no idea. She’s so happy, so positive, so upbeat. When she could be whining and complaining, hell deserves to be whining and complaining, she’s chatty and happy and positive. So, basically, I’m putting myself up for definite mocking by my boss (and yes, boss, I know you want a cool acronym too, I’ll come up with something, Chester) because I wanted to get more people following her today to keep her company while she’s stuck in the hospital. Here you are Katie, and feel better soon!

P.S. This story totally happened, and I even dug out the old iPhone I was using to copy them from. I even left the mistakes as they were. Mostly because I’m lazy, or maybe it was for authenticity. You know what? Let’s go with the second one. That one sounds better.

P.P.S. I did add some formatting for emphasis, but then I got in a hurry because I was bored and stopped doing even that.

A Series Of Emails I Sent To Steve Jobs When I Was Bored At The Grocery Store:

A while back I was doing some grocery shopping with someone else. It had been a long day, I was bored and I likely hadn’t taken my medication. The store we were in had one of those little deli seating areas and so I was parked at a table staring at an endless expanse of people and produce when I hit upon an idea. Like I said, I don’t think I’d taken my medication. Impulsivity happens, man.

Hello there Mr. Jobs!

Can I call you Steve?

Everyone on the Internet keeps calling you the “Father of Apple” and “The Face of Apple” and the man who knows everything about Apples.

So, it seems like you’d be the perfect person to answer any questions I might have about Apples.  Nice job on having “apple” as your email address too. That makes it awfully easy to reach you.

My problem is like this. I should bake something to take to a friend this weekend and I was thinking about what I could make. I thought of Apple Brown Betty at first, but then I remembered I don’t even really know what that is, so it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to try and make that. Then I thought I could make an apple pie, but I don’t really even think I want to attempt the delicate dance that I’ve heard is involved in making a pie crust. But then I decided I’d make an apple crumble because that’s just delicious and also? It can bear imperfections that a pie crust cannot. And hello? Add in some vanilla ice cream and it’s heaven on a plate, I’d guess. I don’t really know how to make apple crumble either, but I figure that there’s probably a recipe for it on the internet somewhere.

Anyway, I’m standing in the produce section of the store right now and did you even know there are like 50 different kinds of Apples? I mean, duh, you are the apple guy. Of course you did. But I did not. I mean, if I had to guess I would have figured an apple is an apple is an apple. Of course I knew they came in red or green, but I didn’t really think much about it past that. Now, I don’t know what to do. If I was a betting person, and I totally am, I’d bet that there is a “right” apple and a “wrong” apple for my apple crumble.

What I need to know from you is: Which apple to I buy for my Apple Crumble?

Please Advise.

Thanks!

Guilty Squid

**********************

Dear Steve,

So, I’m still standing here. I mean, I’m pretty sure that the life of the Apple guy is super busy and all, but I have other things to do today too, you know. It’s not like standing around staring at Apples is the most exciting thing in the world to do.

Crap. I’m sorry. That probably is the most exciting thing in the world to you.

I’d just like to know for certain which apples to purchase. I think that standing around fondling apples all day in the produce section is going to start getting me some odd glances.

Please hurry with that response!

Guilty Squid

P.S. I talked to someone who looked up an apple crumble recipe for me and THEY don’t even say which apple to pick.

**********************

Hi Steve,

It’s me. Again.

Am I supposed to maybe offer you some money or something in exchange for that answer? I mean, I’ve never really attempted to email a produce guy before, so if I’m failing at the social niceties of the situation, you let me know.

Maybe you’re trying to look up Apple Crumble in a recipe book before you respond. I don’t want to insult you but maybe you don’t know what Apple Crumble is either.

Do you think you could hurry though? There’s a lady with a walker to the right of me spying the Galas, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to wrestle the good ones away from her.

Hugs,

Guilty Squid

**********************

Okay Steve,

If Galas were what we needed, we’re totally screwed now. I didn’t know that a woman with a walker had enough dexterity to walk with the walker and seventeen pounds of galas. I’m pretty sure she spit on the ones she left though and I’m not buying those now.

You better not be telling me next that I needed Galas.

Never fear though. I’m not abandoning you as the guy who knows everything Apple. But, I’m not going to lie to you. The longer you take, the better those bananas are looking man.

Impatiently,

Guilty Squid

**********************

Steve,

While I can’t imagine what Apple emergency has kept you from responding, I just thought I should tell you that the produce manager keeps eyeing me funny and has asked me FOUR times if I need psychiatric help. Well, he actually said “assistance” but you could tell he meant psychiatric help by the tone.

What I’m saying is, if I get arrested for holding on to the apples too long, I’m dragging you down with me. That’s right, Apple guy, I’m totally telling them that I would have been out of here FOURTY-FIVE minutes ago if you’d only told me the correct apples to purchase. What’s the HOLD UP?

The peaches don’t look so bad either man,

Guilty Squid

**********************

Dear Steve,

I’m sorry. I’m a little on edge by the peer pressure of the peevish produce people to pick my apples. I don’t want to mess this up. I’m not sure, but I think there’s probably some complicated return policy with Apples. So if I buy the wrong ones, I’m totally going to be stuck with a bunch of apples I don’t want. You can see why I’d be stressed, but really? Is that any excuse to take it out on you?

I think not.

Sorry,

Guilty Squid

**********************

Then, I get that telltale tone and slight vibration that every iPhone user knows is the signal for new mail. I click the home button and onto my email app to see one new message.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT Y’ALL. He TOTALLY ANSWERED ME.

And I’m not even lying to you, I looked around the deli section of the store like a kid who had been busted prank calling by their parents. It was like THAT. So I opened it and it said:

Macintosh

Steve

Sent from my iPhone

Are you KIDDING ME? How did I not even see that coming? Well played, Steve Jobs. Well played.

I had composed another whole email to send him, but after his response there was nowhere else for this joke to go. I’m including the draft of that message anyway, just to complete the story.

Hello Again, Steve!

So, I was just talking to someone who said there’s a whole company called Apple who don’t even have anything to do with FRUIT! That seems pretty shifty to me.

You should probably contact your lawyer about some sort of copyright infringement or something. Unless they are a place that does comedy or parody or satire. Because those people are awesome and should never be sued. I’m sure you agree completely.

Anyway, I thought that was a really odd coincidence that I was telling them about emailing the apple guy and then they are all, “Um, the Apple company is not about fruit.” So I had to stop them RIGHT THERE so I could tell you all about it. You should totally look into this.

Helpfully yours,

Guilty Squid

Tagged as: And unmedicated., But mostly because I'm bored., Did you know Steve Jobs could be funny?, Don't forget to tell my boss hello., he was funnier than me., However, I rarely get responses., That's right, These things happen when I am bored.