I’m not sure anyone will think this is funny but me: A letter I sent to Steve Jobs, just before I got my new iPhone a day early.

by The Squid on September 1, 2010

So, y’all remember when I emailed Steve Jobs approximately 18 months ago to ask him about produce, right? If you don’t, stop now and go read this. It’s okay, we’ll wait. Back? Awesome, now the rest of this will be even funnier for you. I’ve been told, anyway.

One thing that y’all might have figured out about me is that I have a…. deep fondness for my iPhone. I bought the first generation iPhone the WEEK it came out. The lines, the insanity – oh, but the sleek cool phone I had in my hand. It did EVERYTHING. Everything your phone with it’s silly buttons did not. Until the 3G came out and OMG MY PHONE WAS SO BULKY. And WEIRD. And no longer shiny. I had to have it. And then there was the 3Gs? With 32MOTHERFUCKING-GB? Oh, I wants. And I got. Are you seeing the pattern here?

When the iPhone 4 presentation was made, I was at work. There was, at the time, only one other person at work who loves Apple as much as I love my iPhone there and we were both fanatically wanting it. Fast forward to that epic day of multiple failed attempts by many to purchase the new iPhone on pre-order day.

Guys? As much as it pains me to admit it, by the middle of that day, I was calling it quits. I’d called, I’d tried online, I’d hit every virtual point imaginable to make my phone my reality. It just wasn’t happening. So, I IM’d my friend and told him I gave up.

While he kept up the good fight? I fired off the following email. Because I have no sense of boundaries, apparently.

**********************************************

Hi Steve!

You might remember when I emailed you once from the grocery store asking for help with my baking.  Turns out, I was emailing the wrong Apple guy.  Boy, was that embarrassing for one of us!  Unless you don’t remember me, in which case, you have no reason to be embarrassed.

I’m really excited about the new iPhone 4.  HD in front of my face? I didn’t even know I was missing that in my life before you told me and now I cannot live without it!  Plus, if you ever actually saw my iPhone, you’d know how badly I need the folders.  Apps all over the place.

Anyway, congrats on creating such a wicked cool phone. I’m totes stoked about it. That’s how these kids today talk. I’m hip to the lingo and stuff. And now you are too. You can use that for free. You’re welcome.

Only, I can’t get mine ordered.  See, I really want to get mine with the no commitment pricing.  But AT&T are being all tricky about it but that’s okay because I am forgiving.  Clearly, they don’t know how an iPhone is a necessity and I refuse to cower before them.  Plus, they messed up my upgrade status when I bought my 3Gs at no commitment and so I can’t be bothered to fight with them today of all days.  My preorder is IMPORTANT.

Except then I went to the Online Store and they won’t let me order at no commitment pricing.  I mean, I’m trying to give you $600. Don’t you want it?  You know, in exchange for a phone?  Is this because my boss hates Apple?  Please don’t take that personally.  He hates a lot of stuff.  It’s what makes him endearing.  I think.  Unless endearing means something else, in which case you can totally submit your own word in it’s place.  If it helps, I’m totally giving him black mock turtlenecks for Christmas.

If it is because of him, then you should think about it like this:  Taking my money is sort of like taking his because he pays me, so I’m more like the middleman in this arrangement here.  Also, it will totally be all in his face when I have that cool phone and he doesn’t. It’s all about priorities.  You might want to let me know if your hiring too, just in case.

Our biggest problem here is that if I can’t get me the new iPhone 4 my whole collection of iPhones will be ruined. (See what I did there? I totally made you a part of my team. Now you feel included.)  Because I have a first gen, a 3G (okay, I actually have two of those because I’m clumsy) and a 3Gs.  Someday, I’ll have an iPhone collection to donate to some museum.  Probably.  Sometimes I lose things, so it’s best not to count on me completely.  But in case I don’t, I totally have to buy an iPhone 4.

Well, that’s all.  I just wanted to tell you not to let all the whiners on the Internet get you down.  They’re just cranky.  I’m sure you’ve been busy today verbally kicking AT&T butt over this whole mess.  Evidently, they do not believe in planning ahead. They seem to have a problem with that particular skill.  I think they need a class or a workshop on that.  Plus, they totally messed up with that whole logging in and seeing other people’s accounts and stuff.  Phew! I mean, it’s kind of a relief that they’re the ones screwing everything up, right? First that whole iPad debacle and now this?  Those people are a mess. But I do not blame you for that, Steve.  Oh no. I do not.

Can’t wait to see my new phone on the 24th!  I hope.  I think.  Maybe.  It’s hard to say right now.  You know, with my ability to order sort of on hiatus until sometime this afternoon.  Maybe. The Apple rep I talked to wouldn’t commit.  Probably because they are so embarrassed by AT&T right now.  It’s understandable.

So, you do want my $600 (roughly, give a little for tax and stuff) right? I mean, you do, don’t you?

Because I will not buy an Android. That would just be lame. And I? I am an Internet Superstar. I don’t do lame.

Hugs,
Me

P.S. The Internet Superstar status is mostly self-proclaimed. Mostly. I mean, it’s sort of a work in progress. I’m sure you know who I am, but in case your employees don’t, it’s best not to make a Very Big Deal over it so that they don’t feel stupid. That’s called being considerate. Sometimes, I do that.

**********************************************

Now, I did not get a response to this email.

And I’m not saying my email worked magic or anything.

I’m not even saying that me & Steve Jobs are BFFs. (Although he probably tells everyone he *knows* me.)

But on June 23rd? The day before the release?

I had an iPhone 4.

You do the math.

{ 9 comments }

Ways To Avoid An Unfortunate Engagement And Probably Also Be Served With A Restraining Order

by The Squid on August 24, 2010

It’s been a bitch of a week, then a weekend. The weekend was worse than the week, really. It was like, just when you finally thought you could relax for the weekend, you start getting what you thought at first were SPAM texts on your phone. THEN, you start getting them with someone’s name in them. And they don’t stop. Which was the exact opposite of fun. It was as unfun as not fun could possibly be when it’s not at all fun. What I’m trying to say, is that during my time I would have normally written something for you, I was unable to stop the drama on my phone. It required much assistance, but now? All better. I knew you’d be relieved.

Then, I hear from a friend that they are about to propose. This only concerns me because I think it’s important to have a plan. A good plan. Like a Don’t Screw It Up Before You Even Show Her The Ring kind of plan. But I am not an authority on that subject. I am probably more qualified to help you get out of having to propose. Which means I shall give you a list of ways to do so. Because I am a giver. This probably qualifies for community service.

I call these, “Ways To Avoid An Unfortunate Engagement And Probably Also Be Served With A Restraining Order.”

  • When you arrive at her door to pick her up, lick her cat. A couple of times. No, actually, go ahead and give that sucker a bath. With your tongue.
  • Insist that your waiter guess your order every time you go out to eat in the form of a question. If he starts to refuse, whine. Loudly.
  • Whenever you walk past a park or a school yard shudder and say, “Let’s walk closer. Pretend I’m taking pictures of you if anyone asks.”
  • While looking for a seat at the movies look at someone in the crowd, duck behind her and say, “Crap. We’ve got to go. I’m not allowed within 200 feet of her.” This is especially effective if the person you are looking at is really old. And a man.
  • Ask to borrow her lipstick and then get huffy and snap, “You know I’m an autumn!”
  • Stop at the board with the posters of missing people and mutter smugly, “I knew those bastards would never find her.”
  • When she asks to stop by the pharmacy to pick up some Midol? Smile knowingly and say, “I remember when I had a vagina.”
  • At Thanksgiving, ask her father to give you the turkey’s head. When they tell you they don’t have it look over at her creepy cousin Mel and say coldly, “You just couldn’t wait and share it with me, could you?” Then? For added effect? Pout.
  • When you meet her sister’s baby, look at her sister accusingly and say, “I thought you said nothing happened that night!”
  • Call her at work and tell her that there’s been an incident at home and she needs to stop and buy new underwear for herself. When she asks why tell her that you’ve been asked not to discuss an ongoing police investigation.
  • Come home with the name “Lola” tattooed on your arm. Unless your girlfriend’s name is Lola. Then you should go with Bob. Unless your name is Bob in which case you should – you know what? Scratch that. You should totally come home with her MOM’S name tattooed on your arm.

Truly the best part is that most of these could work with getting a man you want out of your life to dump you. Unless you are still having sex with him because then that guy? Is never going to leave.

{ 20 comments }

UPDATED: I just wanted someone to bring me some chicken, or maybe a cool eye patch. Nothing ever goes the way I think it’s going to.

August 16, 2010

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Sometimes, you take the day off and then you end up giving your boss a light saber.

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You know how sometimes you hit “publish” even though you know you’ve forgotten something, you just can’t remember what it was? Yeah, that’s this one.

August 1, 2010

So this week has been one of those weeks where you look around and say THE HELL? I know I don’t actually DO roundups, but this week? I got stuff to share, so I’m gonna. Earlier this week, I get a text from Ricky Blitt who I have managed to inadvertently SNUB via online communication. In other [...]

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